We’re just a little more than 24 hours from Super Bowl XLIX in Arizona.
That means it’s time for a public service announcement about surviving the biggest game of the year: the annual Non Sports Fans Survival Guide to the Super Bowl. As Lewis Black reminds us, it’s important for man to have a ritual.
Let’s just get this out of the way. You’re welcome.
Roger Goodell’s promise to “thoroughly and objectively” investigate Deflategate or the various takes on Marshawn Lynch’s behavior antics on NFL Media Day—including Michael Weinreb of Rolling Stone comparing him to Edward Snowden—have dominated the conversation so heavily in the past week that the game itself seems almost like an afterthought, unless you’re from either New England or Seattle. Then the mayhem is certainly inescapable. Seattle is so ecstatic to be in the Super Bowl again that the city is planning a celebration regardless of the outcome.
Much has been made about the Seahawks vs. Patriots matchup, but the fun facts don’t stop there. Super Bowl Sunday is also the only day of the year where commercials matter more to some than the game itself despite the fact that, for the last several years, most of the ads begin circulating online for days ahead of kickoff generating a lot of pregame conversation–both positive and negative.
Go Daddy’s controversial “Journey Home” spot didn’t even live long enough to see game day following a social media backlash panning the ad for its insensitivity. On the flip side, the “Like a Girl” campaign from Always—which debuted to worldwide acclaim last summer—is set for a huge boost in viewership Sunday when the 60-second promo encouraging female empowerment reaches its largest audience yet.
Some argue with the ever-increasing trend of ads being teased online that the magic of Super Bowl ads is gone. I disagree. They start a conversation and ultimately most brands benefit from the added exposure. Historically, there have remained a few that manage to sneak in under the radar. So, despite the self-inflicted spoiler alerts, fans never quite know what to expect.
The fact is, only on Super Bowl Sunday is talking during commercials just as likely to get you ostracized as talking during game time. That’s how important this day is to our country. The USDA ranks the Super Bowl as the second highest day for food consumption nationwide, behind Thanksgiving. That fun fact explains renewed pleas like this one to make the Monday after the Super Bowl a national holiday. However, if we haven’t yet persuaded the federal government to declare Election Day a holiday to encourage voting, (something that only occurs once every four years), then the idea of a Super Bowl Monday is about as long a shot as Mitt Romney running for president. We can dream, can’t we?
Every Super Bowl party also has its share of individuals, be they wives, girlfriends, or non sports savvy friends, who are there likely against their will. But since Super Bowl Sunday might as well be declared a national holiday, they didn’t want to be alone. If you find yourself in this group, fear not. Diane Turbyfill over at the Gaston Gazette has written Tips on How to Fit in on Super Bowl Sunday to help you, and if you are at all politically inclined, Jason Johnson of NBC News has written a similar piece titled “Top 10 Reasons Politicos Should Watch Super Bowl XLIX”
As helpful as these lists are, they still create a deep divide between the care and the care-nots, requiring the care-nots to in fact, care. They must study the above, learning names, definitions, and mundane details. Details that make them appear in the know. Details they will soon forget. Helpful? Sure, but what of those care-nots who don’t want to put in that much work? The solution is simple, and in fact, can be applied to every sports game, every day of the year. All you must do, and I have taught this to many, is remember four essential phrases and utter them enthusiastically at random intervals during the game. These phrases are:
1). “Did you see that?”
2). “Are you kidding me?”
3). “That’s such a b******t call!”
4). “Oh, c’mon! Whose side are you on, ref?”
Using these phrases you will fit in with any crowd for any sport, no pregame studying of players and facts required. Best of all this timesaving system is foolproof and the result of your effort will be noticed immediately. You may even make a new friend. Yes, the four phrase system is that easy. Usually sold for three easy payments of $19.95+S&H, today, it’s yours free. Call now and receive a fifth phrase that will guarantee your invitation to next year’s party, (while supplies last).
And finally, I predict Sunday’s winner, The Seattle Seahawks, by a final score of 23-20. Here’s to hoping the predictive powers of Madden 25 and the annual Super Bowl simulation are proven wrong. Besides, a Seattle win is better for the stock market.